Mit første værk nytænkning bliver en realtion: ''Modern Days Animation''

Jeg er ny på dette forum, men ønskede at dele noget med andre med forstand på det. Min inspiration til at begynde på denne historie kom flere steder fra: Div. japanske serier, både animerede samt realle serier. Jeg syntes om stilen der bliver brugt i disse serier samt følelserne der ligges i beskrivelsen af personerne. Udfra det skabte jeg min egen historie der er baseret på rigtige hændelser, bla. udfra mit liv og andres. Med andre ord: Historien i skal til at læse lidt af er både rigtig og fiktion. Jeg har desværre kun en engelsk udgave indtil videre, da jeg valgte at skrive den på engelsk. Den danske vil komme senere. Jeg håber på en masse kommentarer og kritik.

Historien forløber sig over hovedpersonens sidste år i gymnasiet. Historien er opdelt pr dags basis, hvor der i starten bliver brugt meget tid på at beskrive hans liv i skolen osv. Bliver dette mere og mindre vigtigt iforhold til hans personlige forandring der sker ved hans møde med en speciel person.
Anyways - Enjoy please!

Modern Days Animation
March: Monday the 28th
I wake up early to the sound of the birds outside the window, the weather is hot people seems joyful, this day is like all others. I have nothing special to do today so I pack my bag and get ready to go to school. I go to a school faraway I want to believe that I really wanted to go there but the truth is: I had no choice. My grades weren’t good enough to get into the school I really wished for but somehow I guess now it wouldn’t matter anyway I quickly grew accustomed to this school. And so I walk down the street with my bag over my shoulder. I hate this town; everywhere I look is places stained with memories of things I wish to forget. My father and mother got separated and divorced a long time ago, and so I’ve lived most of my live with my mother, not seeing my father more than a few times my entire life, the only things he could ever ask me the times we were together was: ‘’How are you doing in school? Are you getting high grades?’’. He always had high expectations of me. I guess he is ashamed to have a son not being able to live up to his standards. In the end my motivation for studying became making him proud, something I never achieved. At some point he wouldn’t say a word to me; he left me and my mom alone, like we didn’t exist to him anymore, I really hated him for that. At some point I started to give hell about school. Why bother? I thought for myself. The rest of my family is passed away, and the ones that aren’t don’t have any interest in seeing me or having anything to do with me. I guess for some reason I’m not very popular in my family.

I sit in the train looking outside the window; I guess most people use this chance to enjoy the environment gliding by. I stare outside the window without ever staring at anything spectacular; I’ve seen this tree a hundred times before. And I’ve been going this way for so long now back and forth, nothing ever happens around here. I finally arrive at the school, without saying anything to anyone I just take my seat while watching the other students greet each other happily as if they’ve been apart for ages - Ridiculous scene. One person comes over to greet me it’s a guy named Jake; I guess you could say he’s my friend even though we know nothing about each other on a personal level. Even then he is a lot of fun, and the day seems to slide faster with him around. Classes are starting, our first three lessons Is math one of the subjects I really hate. I gaze outside the window ignoring everything the teacher says, I guess you could say I’ve given up learning anything he says. While in third lesson Jake takes out a card game and asks me: ‘’Want to kill some time?’’ I reply with a short: ‘’Yeah’’. As he shuffle’s the cards the teacher comes over asking me rude: ‘’what are you two doing here? What are you doing in this school?’’ I reply to him: ‘’good question, I guess you could say I’m killing time’’. He glares at me as if he didn’t expect such an answer and then just walks away saying: ‘’Do whatever you want, just don’t disturb the students trying to learn something unlike you two’’. I don’t really give much about that remark and continue my card game with Jake. After Jake’s had his third win in a row he says: ‘’Hey how about a bet?’’. I reply: ‘’Sure, you go get naked in the schoolyard if you lose’’. He replies: ‘’With a YES you’re going to lose!’’ As he wins the game first time I say: ‘’Great man, and now another turn’’, and we go again – another win for Jake. YES! He screams out. I answer to that with a: ‘’damn! One more time’’. I lose for the third time Jake is bragging like he just accomplished something amazing.

And he suddenly gets a awkward shocked look on his face yelling out: ‘’HEY wait a second? This isn’t the kind of game where we keep playing till I lose is it!?’’ I answer that with a: ‘’yup, you got it, you sure are smart’’. He bangs his head into the table as if saying he really did something stupid, he really is stupid. I return to looking outside the window as the last math lesson is about to end thinking ‘’finally over’’.
Math ends and it’s time for lunch break I get up off my chair and walks down into the school cafeteria. This place is always so crowded getting food before the end of lunch break is always a fight. I fight my way through the hordes of students standing in line being loud, and finally it’s my turn I pay the lunch lady and get’s a sandwich, nothing’s special about this sandwich it just tastes the way it always does; no new flavors, no new ingredients – nothing. As I make my way out of the cafeteria I make a loud sigh. I climb the stairs in the school making it to third floor were my class is: ‘’3-H.’’ Spending time in the class or outside the school really doesn’t matter much to me, so I decide to go in and take my chair. In my class I’m by far the oldest student, being twenty-three years old on my last year in high school as a senior. I used my years after junior high school doing nothing but drifting around, working a few places, going to a few places with no real reason for doing so, you could say I didn’t do what a sixteen year old junior high school student were supposed to do.

While keeping that thought a girl approaches my seat asking me: ‘’hey, what are you doing Mike?’’, that’s right my name is simpleminded as ever: Mike. I’m a mix between: European, and Asian, I wonder why my name turned out this way? The girl’s name is Leia she’s 18 and among the better students in the school, always getting praised by the teachers for whatever accomplishment she gets. I look up giving her a face wondering why she asks me that, or why she talks to me. I reply with a: ‘’nothing at all, it really doesn’t concern you’’. She looks at me confused saying back: ‘’oh… okay, well we’re hosting a party next weekend, do you want to come?’’ ‘’No’’ I swiftly reply. Why would I bother going to a party like this at all? I wouldn’t have anything to do there anyway it’s not like it would matter if I was there. With that said she tries again ’’Please, you never come, you’re always by yourself It wouldn’t hurt you know?’’ Ignoring her last sentence I push out my chair, stuff my hands in my pockets and walk out the classroom door I really didn’t want to have this conversation. I went down into the cafeteria once again and got myself some juice; it sure isn’t as crowded now anymore I thought. Once finished with my juice I go back up, class had already started as I walked in without caring to give the teacher an apology or any eye contact.
The rest of the classes passes by as Jake manages to make a fool out of himself several times and keeping me entertained. School finally ended as people started chitchatting about the upcoming weekend. I stay at my seat while watching the rest of the students going home. Once everybody left I stayed alone for an hour or two, seeing as I was so behind in my coursework for Friday I had to spend time trying to work that out. I guess if I asked someone to help me they probably would but I don’t really want to be involved in some coursework group as I prefer to work alone. Being much older than me I assume they’re having a hard time believing I don’t naturally know all the answers, many people in my class thought that was the case.

Outside the window I see the schoolyard being empty – That’s where I take my leave. The sun has started to set leaving the weather less hot. I barely catch my train making my leave home. I make my way through the building complex I live in and find my keys going inside. Getting an apartment around this city is impossible for people not making too much money that is. The only reason I got to live here was because my mother were good friends with the guy managing this district. You could say I would never be able to afford something myself. I moved here a long time ago by the age of sixteen, with my folks divorced I didn’t wish to live in a family split up with anger and remorse, their individual places were small I didn’t wish to be a burden for any of them. I decided to be alone from that point on. I walk inside the dark apartment turn on some light, and put some food in the microwave for heating.

I hurry up eating my food as I look on the clock: Time to go. I pull out my bike from the bikes piled up on each other I guess the maintainer of this place should put more effort into having it run decent. As I bike to my destination I think about what’s up for tonight, oh yeah I’m an: assistant-trainer in a kickboxing club. You could say I’ve been training martial arts for my entire life. I started off training to defend myself, growing up with my mom in a pretty bad environment I had no choice but to make sure I could defend myself and more importantly: Her. When I was a kid I would always get into fights, I had a bad temper and so I would often end up in hopeless situations. Therefore I owe a lot to my master; he saved me from my endless fighting. I guess he is one of the people I actually respect.

As I get there, I immediately get greeted by a lot of students, some bowing and some just saying politely: Hi. I get inside the men’s locker room changing my clothes, while changing I can hear some girls talking they’re in the girls locker room. They’re loud there’s probably three-four of them it seems they’re picking on some girl. I couldn’t help to hear what they were saying: ‘’you don’t belong here we’re never going to accept you, you should just give up and leave’’. There were students like that training here huh? I’m not really in a position where I should try to do anything about this. I’m here to fight, and to learn others to do it – that’s all. As I walk outside the locker room I see the girl they picked on earlier coming out, she looked down the whole time never making any eye contact with anyone, I couldn’t help to wonder why such a person would be training something as brutal as kickboxing.

She finally looks up seeing me watching her she makes a awkward face trying to look away almost smashing into another guy warming up, she really is a helpless girl. My master comes over to me as he gives me directions to start the warm-up. I nod as he says: ‘’She is a newcomer to this town, her parents died a long time ago I believe she lives at her uncle’s place’’. Listening to that, I say to myself: Why is he telling me this? I never remember asking about such things. I ignore that last comment and say out loud: ‘’Get up everyone we’re starting!’’ I hear a bunch of ‘’YES’SES’’ among the crowd, they sure seems energized today. As I start the warm-up I yell ‘’hundred push-ups, and two hundred sit-ups get to it!’’I hear some sigs and a few: ‘’Not again!’’ remarks from the students most far away from me. I anticipate for the first 80 pushups as I start to look more carefully around to see whether or not they’re doing as their supposed to. I see one person doing nothing it’s that girl again. I walk over saying strictly: ‘’what do you think you’re doing?’’ she tries to avoid looking into my eyes while she says insecurely: ‘’I’ve……. I’ve….. Already finished doing the exercise… sir….’’, Sir? Why is she calling me that? She looks like she’s only a few years younger than me, probably around nineteen. I guess she’s being polite.

After having that thought I reply: ‘’that’s impossible’’. Who does this girl think she is? Telling such a lie. By the time I finished that sentence the other students doing the exercises were all through and now watching us. One of the students step a little forward saying: ‘’She must be stupid? Should she be better than me? Make her do it all over again’’ I remember the guy’s voice, his name is Bruce he is one of the top fighters in the club, and even I have a hard time with him in sparring fights I never really liked this guy to much though he seems to really want my position in the club. I reply back to him: ‘’Mind your own business, I’m the trainer right now’’ He accepts that unwillingly for now. The girl sits on the ground looking as if she’s punishing herself.

I lean down towards her as i say in a serious tone: ‘’did you really do all the exercises this quick?’’, she replies with a low: ‘’y-yes….’’. She looked as if she really meant this from the bottom of her heart she doesn’t look like the type to be lying. My thoughts crack as the student Bruce says: ‘’let’s see how good she is, I’ll fight her’’. There’s no way she could win against this guy, seeing how unpopular she was with him and the rest of the students she could get seriously injured, I should stop this right now. As I’m about to deny his request a voice suddenly speaks up: ‘’i…-I will fight him’’. It’s that girl again, why would she willingly go for this? I couldn’t believe what I just heard. I reply her saying ‘’let’s see what you got then’’.
Bruce is smiling all over his face, his smile seemed sinister and evil as I give the permission to enter the ring and start the fight. As the fight start, Bruce runs toward her trying to land a massive hit, the girl dodges the punch easily. I was about to drop my mouth to the floor along with the other students, thinking it myself I can hear students yelling: ‘’how did she do that!?’’ She manages to push him back really putting up a fight; she gets a perfect kick to his head, not bad I thought. I see Bruce’s eyes glitter with anger, and at that second he did something in a split of a second, stepped on her foot while doing a foul massive punch to her head leaving her lying on the floor for a few seconds. I respond to his behavior saying: ‘’Bruce, enough! You have proved yourself let it go!’’.

He ignores me and starts to walk out of the ring then suddenly something catches my attention. The girl on the floor is slowly standing up again saying: ‘’I can still fight’’. Why does she push herself so hard? What is she trying to prove? As she stands up Bruce immediately run towards her unleashing a fury of punches on her. She tries to pair as much as she can, but get’s hit several times. At some point she stopped to fight back and just took the punches. Blood fell to the floor as I shouted ‘’ Bruce Stop this!’’, he wouldn’t listen to me and kept on as he was about to do a finishing blow I ran in right front of her as fast as I could and took the massive hit.
The pain was unbelievable as I tried to gather my thoughts, my master which apparently had been watching the whole scene called out Bruce. As he left unwillingly he gave the half unconscious girl a final remark: ‘’ you deserved this, don’t show up here ever again’’.
I ordered the rest of the students to continue with some jabbing exercises as I strictly shouted: ‘’What are you waiting for!? Get training!’’. I approached the girl slowly, leaning towards her checking her condition. I saw tears falling from her eyes while she said with tear In her voice: ‘’I…-I failed y-you sir.’’ Why is she saying something like that? It’s not like I expected her to win this fight anyway, ‘’don’t say ridiculous things, you’re a fighter get up let’s go clean you off.’’ She nods as I pull her up so she can stand. I finally say: ‘’Are you okay?’’ I wonder why I need to know if she’s okay, she choose this sport on her own she choose to fight this guy it’s her own fault really. She answers me with a light nod as we approach the sink.

Me: ‘’You shouldn’t push yourself so hard you acted like a complete idiot going this far’’
Girl: ‘’s-orry’’
Me: ‘’Furthermore you have caused me a lot of trouble, now I have to go take a talk with that idiot Bruce’’
Girl: ‘’s-orry’’
Me: ‘’Is that all you can say?
Girl: ‘’I wanted to be strong and do my best, just this once’’
Me: ‘’Why do you push yourself so hard?’’
Girl: ‘’B-because…. Uhm.. You see..
Me: ‘’It’s alright you don’t have to strain yourself I am a stranger after all you don’t have to tell me anything, do you know anyone that can come and pick you up?’’
Girl: ‘’N-no….’’
Me: ‘’You really are a helpless girl, my master will take you home.’’
Girl: ‘’It’s alright really, I don’t want to cause you trouble’’
Me: ‘’You already caused me trouble, so this I don’t want to argue, just go with it please’’
Girl: ‘’a-alright…’’

She really is a helpless girl I thought as I saw my master helping her getting into his car driving her home. As they were about to leave I approached the car window: ‘’you fought well’’. That much she deserved. I heard her say as the car left: ‘’I’m happy’’. What is she so happy about? As I drew home this whole evening wouldn’t leave my mind. I became a little depressed about the whole situation. ‘’Maybe I was too rough on her’’ I said to myself. Even though she decided this on her own I couldn’t help to feel that something wasn’t right. I’ve never seen someone push themselves so hard in a fight. Even half unconscious she wouldn’t give up. Why can’t I just let this go? I wonder if she’ll be back for tomorrows training. ‘‘I hope she does’’ I said silently to myself while wondering why that suddenly came out of my mouth.
I lie down in the cold bed that night, thinking that in five hours I have to get up to go to school again, maybe I should just skip tomorrow just this once. Hmm, those thoughts leave me as I slowly start falling asleep. That night I have a dream, something I usually never have. I guess I must have been a lot more tired than I thought I was.

In my dream I stand on the beach near the water the waves sweeping across the hot sand, before me lay someone unconscious. There are people walking together with their families, lovers, brothers and sisters ignoring this person. I try calling out to them, asking them to help me – help this person. For some reason they cannot see me, they cannot hear me it’s as I don’t exist at all. I panic in my attempt to make them see me, but I fail again. I don’t like this dream I wish I could just wake up but I can’t. And at that moment I realized something I had already known for a long time; the worst thing in this world is: solitude, loneliness, having nobody that cares or needs you, being alone in a world surrounded with people it really is a painful feeling, learning to live with that is hard, it shouldn’t have to be this way for anyone. I slowly approach the person lying on the ground, her face - I start to recognize it. It’s….. It’s the face of the girl. How long has she been lying here? Does nobody care what happens to this girl? I started to pity her as I realize: She’s the same as me, living in a world being alone; having nobody caring about her, I wonder; did she go through the same pain I did? Is this why I have these mixed up feelings about this? The dream finally comes to an end.

Hej søren, det er præcis den form for dybdegående kritik jeg havde håbet på at få. Og før jeg fortsætter tusind tak for dit velformulerende svar.

Til at starte med, så er jeg selv relativ ung (21), og jeg ønskede at præge skrivesproget i den retning. Du skriver under din kritik at du mener jeg mangler at komme ''ind på hovedpersonen'' og få at vide hvordan han har det med at være så ''ligeglad'' med det hele. Jeg har valgt at skrive novellen således at den baggrundsviden man får om hovedpersonen og også de evt. nøglepersoner der kommer senere hen, er minimal. Således at jo længere man læser: jo mere får man at vide.

Skrivestilen adskiller sig meget fra hvad man er relativ vandt til, ved at man kender hovedpersonen fra start af. Og ved præcis hvem han/hun er som udgangspunkt. Jeg valgte at gå bort fra denne ''norm'' og derimod gøre det omvendt. Altså komme ind på nøgleviden om hovedpersonen i sitiuationer hvor det bliver relevant. Selfølgelig bliver disse begivenheder så derfor også pålagt en vis: ''nødvendighed'' da man derfor ikke kender til hovedpersonen.

Mystikken bag en person der har et sådant kynisk forhold til verden, er interessant som du selv siger. Derfor valgte jeg netop ikke at give læseren ''alt på en gang'', men tvinge ham/hende til at læse videre for at finde ud af mere. Jeg vil selfølgelig kigge nærmere på dine tips, samt kigge lidt på din side.

Jeg har selv en ''promo'' side hvor jeg udgiver den første ''uge'' af historien. Hvor der også findes mere af historien end vist her, samt en ikke fuldendt dansk vers. Du kan evt. tage et kig på det, og ligge en besked i gæstebogen hvis du finder det interessant. Jeg har også mere general viden om projektet, f.eks. planlægger jeg illustrationr/billeder til nogle af nøgle ''scenerne'' i bogen.

www.Moderndaysanimation.webbyen.dk